I used to write. With lot of passion. Reasonably regularly. But then it stopped. Why?
I observe that my energy/passion about a job (writing, singing, research) remains high until it gives me a feeling of exploring more of myself, doing things which I didn't do before (or knew I could do before). A sort of a treasure hunt. A wild one.
I wrote a lot. I pushed my boundaries. Perhaps there was a social value to those writings at that point of time. That kept me going. Then, I got rid of social reasons - went undercover sort of. Wrote for myself. Still not sure what slowed down the pace - whether if it was lack of excitement about penning down my thoughts (because they didnt seem that new/adventurous, didnt give me a kick post-publish) or whether it was lack of social connect after expressing myself or ....?
The same happened with singing. I adventured, pushed my boundaries a lot. Social appreciation was a prime motivator/booster, I think. But with time, I lost the romance of exploration. I was a regular singer by then, so either there were just ordinary songs, or songs too hard to attempt. I think the too hard to attempt category didnt exist earlier - nothing was too hard earlier :) I just used to try to wing a song if it caught my fancy. But even if it was not perfectly done, the sense of achievement was overwhelming.
In retrospect, it appeared to me that I didnt do justice to those songs - I could have worked harder and performed them better. The audience often gave feedback along those lines too, but I never listened - it was a joy ride. But, finally, I came to terms with my lack of seriousness about the art - I felt I should learn songs more carefully - and then, why just songs, why not learn classical properly instead of winging it? I guess that was the end of the adventure ride. :) I have tried to renew that raw enthusiasm again, without success till now - is it possible to spoof proper learning while keeping yourself entertained? :) Don't know the answer. Lack of social reward/appreciation is perhaps another reason.
Perhaps both writing and singing need me to sort of reinvent myself. I haven't been able to do that. Research has not been a victim to phase changes, thankfully. I've reinvented myself a couple of times and I think I know the trick there. For writing and singing, we have to see and try.
PS: Writing autobiographically, puts a part of you in concrete out there. Which you can see, observe, appreciate in a tangible manner. Putting it out gives you a glimpse, a mirror into (the vast, unknown) self. Perhaps that part would be lost if not manifested tangibly. Seems like a great loss, no? :) More ironically (and this has been said cliche-times), parts of the self may be lost in this way, for lack of trying, without you ever knowing it.
Generalizing: perhaps all parts of the self would be slowly lost if not put out there tangibly. Then, there would be nothing to show for, nothing to feel good about, no calling to take yourself seriously as an actor. and then perhaps, no meaning to life.
I observe that my energy/passion about a job (writing, singing, research) remains high until it gives me a feeling of exploring more of myself, doing things which I didn't do before (or knew I could do before). A sort of a treasure hunt. A wild one.
I wrote a lot. I pushed my boundaries. Perhaps there was a social value to those writings at that point of time. That kept me going. Then, I got rid of social reasons - went undercover sort of. Wrote for myself. Still not sure what slowed down the pace - whether if it was lack of excitement about penning down my thoughts (because they didnt seem that new/adventurous, didnt give me a kick post-publish) or whether it was lack of social connect after expressing myself or ....?
The same happened with singing. I adventured, pushed my boundaries a lot. Social appreciation was a prime motivator/booster, I think. But with time, I lost the romance of exploration. I was a regular singer by then, so either there were just ordinary songs, or songs too hard to attempt. I think the too hard to attempt category didnt exist earlier - nothing was too hard earlier :) I just used to try to wing a song if it caught my fancy. But even if it was not perfectly done, the sense of achievement was overwhelming.
In retrospect, it appeared to me that I didnt do justice to those songs - I could have worked harder and performed them better. The audience often gave feedback along those lines too, but I never listened - it was a joy ride. But, finally, I came to terms with my lack of seriousness about the art - I felt I should learn songs more carefully - and then, why just songs, why not learn classical properly instead of winging it? I guess that was the end of the adventure ride. :) I have tried to renew that raw enthusiasm again, without success till now - is it possible to spoof proper learning while keeping yourself entertained? :) Don't know the answer. Lack of social reward/appreciation is perhaps another reason.
Perhaps both writing and singing need me to sort of reinvent myself. I haven't been able to do that. Research has not been a victim to phase changes, thankfully. I've reinvented myself a couple of times and I think I know the trick there. For writing and singing, we have to see and try.
PS: Writing autobiographically, puts a part of you in concrete out there. Which you can see, observe, appreciate in a tangible manner. Putting it out gives you a glimpse, a mirror into (the vast, unknown) self. Perhaps that part would be lost if not manifested tangibly. Seems like a great loss, no? :) More ironically (and this has been said cliche-times), parts of the self may be lost in this way, for lack of trying, without you ever knowing it.
Generalizing: perhaps all parts of the self would be slowly lost if not put out there tangibly. Then, there would be nothing to show for, nothing to feel good about, no calling to take yourself seriously as an actor. and then perhaps, no meaning to life.
